Yes, Christmas is behind us and the New Year is before us. It is all bright and shinning with possibilities. It is not healthy to spend to much time dwelling over the past, but I feel it is a good exercise to scan the life you have lived for the past year and decide what you liked about it and what you feel you need to change. Then, set about planning ways to make sure that this is the year you will change.
It is not about perfection but about living an authenic life. Be who you were born to be. Express yourself with joy and creativity. Doing your best when called upon and learning a new skill or building a new habit that will move you forward are great goals.
Feel the joy of a new beginning. Happy New Year!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
One Foot In Front of the Other
I know that this time of year can be very challenging for a whole host of reasons. As long as we, as a society can't see through the hype, expense and excuses for excess everyone just has to come to terms with it. To be awake and conscious one needs to look at what the Holiday really means to their spiritual growth and what they can do to make sure it is healthy.
In my early recovery I had to actually walk away from the Holidays all together. Yes, it was hard but ended up being the best thing I could have done. The outcome was that I now own my own Holidays and am not owned by them. There is a big difference. It is very liberating. I partake if I want and I have trained my family to honor my wishes. They probably still don't understand but that is fine. My own journey is independent of theirs at this point.
I have my own traditions now but only observe them if I am in the mood. I lost a good friend to breast cancer a couple of months ago, so thinking of her and remembering all of her kindness, generousity and love will be a big part of my celebration this year.
I hope you can take some time to contemplate what you do and why you do it and see if it is really what you want or need for your own personal journey toward more consciousness.
In my early recovery I had to actually walk away from the Holidays all together. Yes, it was hard but ended up being the best thing I could have done. The outcome was that I now own my own Holidays and am not owned by them. There is a big difference. It is very liberating. I partake if I want and I have trained my family to honor my wishes. They probably still don't understand but that is fine. My own journey is independent of theirs at this point.
I have my own traditions now but only observe them if I am in the mood. I lost a good friend to breast cancer a couple of months ago, so thinking of her and remembering all of her kindness, generousity and love will be a big part of my celebration this year.
I hope you can take some time to contemplate what you do and why you do it and see if it is really what you want or need for your own personal journey toward more consciousness.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Learned Helplessness
Did you test your “courageous” muscles yet? In my last post I issued you a challenge to try to do something you feel fearful about doing. Know this for an absolute - if you don’t push past the fear you will stay surrounded by it and your life will end up being the consequence of it.
In my trial by fire that I have been sharing with you I discovered that one of the consequences of staying fearful was “learned helplessness.” That is just what it sounds like. We can be taught to be helpless. Let me explain by sharing a couple of examples of this interesting consequence of staying stuck. When a parent, lets say a mother, is suffering from depression she is still a role model for her kids. They notice what she says, how she acts and what she does or doesn‘t get accomplished. If they hear her say day after day that she can’t clean the house or do the laundry or transport the kids around because she is depressed what do you think is the message that gets communicated? You will likely see children who don’t clean their rooms, do their laundry or homework. They will learn to use excuses to not do whatever it is that don’t want to do.
Every child is different, certainly, and depression is a real issue, but the general message is that it is okay not to do what you don’t want to do if you are not feeling “up to it.” Kids don’t understand depression is a mental illness. They are also learning that it is okay not to do anything to get better. Mom needs to face her fears and begin to understand that depression is anger turned inward. Little by little she can overcome. Find a courageous muscle and start working it.
In my trial by fire that I have been sharing with you I discovered that one of the consequences of staying fearful was “learned helplessness.” That is just what it sounds like. We can be taught to be helpless. Let me explain by sharing a couple of examples of this interesting consequence of staying stuck. When a parent, lets say a mother, is suffering from depression she is still a role model for her kids. They notice what she says, how she acts and what she does or doesn‘t get accomplished. If they hear her say day after day that she can’t clean the house or do the laundry or transport the kids around because she is depressed what do you think is the message that gets communicated? You will likely see children who don’t clean their rooms, do their laundry or homework. They will learn to use excuses to not do whatever it is that don’t want to do.
Every child is different, certainly, and depression is a real issue, but the general message is that it is okay not to do what you don’t want to do if you are not feeling “up to it.” Kids don’t understand depression is a mental illness. They are also learning that it is okay not to do anything to get better. Mom needs to face her fears and begin to understand that depression is anger turned inward. Little by little she can overcome. Find a courageous muscle and start working it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Trial By Fire - Pt 2
My last blog was about my wake-up call to spiritually. It was not possible for me to ignore my pain and suffering anymore. Something had to give. Not everyone finds the same answers that I did and that is just perfect. We are together on this planet but each have their own journeys to travel. We need to respect each other at the same time that we offer our help, wisdom and support.
I learned to trust myself and to understand that I have to feel the fear and just do what I want to do anyway. Fear can be a powerful force field that can block any and all attempts to overcome whatever we are trying to overcome. But we are no longer operating from just our reptilian brain so we can learn to recognize when that force field is just an illusion thrown up to keep us “safe” or, more likely, to keep us “stuck.” We can discern the difference between being careless and stupid and being challenged to move forward.
I learned that anxiety and depression were also ways I had learned to keep myself stuck. I was fearful of becoming someone else. Someone who could make a difference in the world and someone who could embrace change and success. I challenge you today to do one thing that you feel fearful about. Start small and build your “courageous” muscles.
I learned to trust myself and to understand that I have to feel the fear and just do what I want to do anyway. Fear can be a powerful force field that can block any and all attempts to overcome whatever we are trying to overcome. But we are no longer operating from just our reptilian brain so we can learn to recognize when that force field is just an illusion thrown up to keep us “safe” or, more likely, to keep us “stuck.” We can discern the difference between being careless and stupid and being challenged to move forward.
I learned that anxiety and depression were also ways I had learned to keep myself stuck. I was fearful of becoming someone else. Someone who could make a difference in the world and someone who could embrace change and success. I challenge you today to do one thing that you feel fearful about. Start small and build your “courageous” muscles.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Trial By Fire
The last two blog posts were about developing spirituality. Most people will experience these steps on their road to discovering who they really are and what they are really here for. That is if they care about those things and become aware of the big and small wake-up calls. Not all people do. In fact most do not. Many are busy just trying to get through each day and that is right where they need to be. No judgments for those who are not on this particular journey.
I wanted to talk about my experiences so far in relationship to developing my spirituality and how this has played out in my life. I was raised in a very religious, god fearing household and spent a lot of time doing religious things. I married and had two children like a good girl does and then realized that I had not looked much beyond this stage. I had always doubted myself and was extremely uncomfortable with the rules and regulations that religion had imposed on me, especially the male dominated hierarchy of things.
My “trial by fire” came when my children became teenagers and both suffered a major mental disorder. I was faced with truths, facts and ordeals that now seem to be straight out of science fiction. We all lived through what was, at the time, to be awful, heart wrenching and disastrous happenings. None of us came out the other side being the same people or embracing the ideals that we had followed going in. Nothing was the same. Everything had changed.
All of my beliefs were shaken loose and through a period of deep introspection and nearly ten years of counseling , learning and releasing I came out the other side. One important lesson I learned was that religion was not the same as spiritually. One is a system with dogma and one is total freedom to become more enlightened. What a blessing! My darkest hour was also my finest hour.
I wanted to talk about my experiences so far in relationship to developing my spirituality and how this has played out in my life. I was raised in a very religious, god fearing household and spent a lot of time doing religious things. I married and had two children like a good girl does and then realized that I had not looked much beyond this stage. I had always doubted myself and was extremely uncomfortable with the rules and regulations that religion had imposed on me, especially the male dominated hierarchy of things.
My “trial by fire” came when my children became teenagers and both suffered a major mental disorder. I was faced with truths, facts and ordeals that now seem to be straight out of science fiction. We all lived through what was, at the time, to be awful, heart wrenching and disastrous happenings. None of us came out the other side being the same people or embracing the ideals that we had followed going in. Nothing was the same. Everything had changed.
All of my beliefs were shaken loose and through a period of deep introspection and nearly ten years of counseling , learning and releasing I came out the other side. One important lesson I learned was that religion was not the same as spiritually. One is a system with dogma and one is total freedom to become more enlightened. What a blessing! My darkest hour was also my finest hour.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Changes That Occur When A Person Develops Spirituality - Pt 2
6. Contact with your Higher Power is directly available within your personal experience. This grows from #5 and can be cultivated to a very deep level. Feeling supported by a loving presence, noticing synchronicities, having feelings of awe while in nature, and being able to “let go” of worry are some of the miracles that flow.
7. Questions sincerely asked of your Higher Power are answered. This flows from #6 but emphasizes the fact that this new relationship is a two way street. When you pray for help with some problem you will often see something shift or improve within a short period of time.
8. What you truly ask for or intend from the deepest level of yourself-from your heart-will tend to come to you. This is the power of intention and is a spiritual law. What you intend by belief and commitment and your whole heart tends to come true. This also has ramifications on events in the world apart from you as events in the outer world will tend to align with your most deeply held intentions.
9. Love is stronger than fear. Pure unconditional love comes from your Higher Power. Fear comes from separation from ourselves, others and our God. Love is the foundation of the entire universe. One does not have love or not have love. Love just is.
Anxiety may be related to specific fears of abandonment, rejection and humiliation, loss of control, confinement, injury, or death. But these are all about a separation from first our inner selves and then from God.
10. Death is not an end but a transition. Death is an illusion. The body dies but the spirit or soul does not according to most world religions. Ongoing research with near death experiences and past life regressions seems to support this idea as well. Since the fear of ceasing to exist is probably the deepest one every human has, it is most reassuring to understand that this belief is false. For me, it helped me be more courageous in my actions and take a longer view of what my life represented. The greatest thing to come out of this knowledge for me was that I no longer fear death and therefore can really live my life with direction and purpose.
7. Questions sincerely asked of your Higher Power are answered. This flows from #6 but emphasizes the fact that this new relationship is a two way street. When you pray for help with some problem you will often see something shift or improve within a short period of time.
8. What you truly ask for or intend from the deepest level of yourself-from your heart-will tend to come to you. This is the power of intention and is a spiritual law. What you intend by belief and commitment and your whole heart tends to come true. This also has ramifications on events in the world apart from you as events in the outer world will tend to align with your most deeply held intentions.
9. Love is stronger than fear. Pure unconditional love comes from your Higher Power. Fear comes from separation from ourselves, others and our God. Love is the foundation of the entire universe. One does not have love or not have love. Love just is.
Anxiety may be related to specific fears of abandonment, rejection and humiliation, loss of control, confinement, injury, or death. But these are all about a separation from first our inner selves and then from God.
10. Death is not an end but a transition. Death is an illusion. The body dies but the spirit or soul does not according to most world religions. Ongoing research with near death experiences and past life regressions seems to support this idea as well. Since the fear of ceasing to exist is probably the deepest one every human has, it is most reassuring to understand that this belief is false. For me, it helped me be more courageous in my actions and take a longer view of what my life represented. The greatest thing to come out of this knowledge for me was that I no longer fear death and therefore can really live my life with direction and purpose.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Changes That Occur When A Person Develops Spirituality
When a person begins to question their mistaken beliefs and replace those with more accurate beliefs there is a spiritual awakening that happens as a result. As a person learns to value and respect themselves they come to realize that they need to value and respect others as well. This will naturally lead to a more open and tolerant view of life in general. This begins a whole chain of thinking that can end up in a deep spiritual awakening. The ten beliefs and assumption changes are:
1. Life is a school. The primary purpose is for growth in consciousness. We discover that everything comes to an end physically and that there is something beyond.
2. Adversity is a lesson designed for growth and is not random. Everything happens for a purpose. Knowing this about our problems is very helpful. We can take a longer view of them and put them in perspective. We can learn something from adversity.
3. Personal limitations and flaws are the grist for your inner growth and you are not to blame for them. We learn to use these limits and flaws in ways that will benefit us. Life’s greatest lessons can come from day to day coping and the little lessons we learn about self mastery.
4. Your life has a creative purpose and mission. There is something creative that is yours to develop and offer. Your being here is not an accident. There is a plan and you have the talents, gifts and creativity to work your planYou may need to look for them and develop them further, but they are already yours.
5. A Higher Source of support and guidance is always available. Much fear and anxiety is based on the fact that you think you are alone and separate. Learning the truth that you are not alone and that a force or power greater than yourself can always be called on is a great blessing. Knowing you can build a relationship with the High Power and have it with you always is very comforting. This relationship can manifest with intuitions, clear insights and directions you need to follow for your higher good.
Check my next Blog for the rest of the list. If you want to know more about mistaken beliefs, click on the Ezinearticles link below.
1. Life is a school. The primary purpose is for growth in consciousness. We discover that everything comes to an end physically and that there is something beyond.
2. Adversity is a lesson designed for growth and is not random. Everything happens for a purpose. Knowing this about our problems is very helpful. We can take a longer view of them and put them in perspective. We can learn something from adversity.
3. Personal limitations and flaws are the grist for your inner growth and you are not to blame for them. We learn to use these limits and flaws in ways that will benefit us. Life’s greatest lessons can come from day to day coping and the little lessons we learn about self mastery.
4. Your life has a creative purpose and mission. There is something creative that is yours to develop and offer. Your being here is not an accident. There is a plan and you have the talents, gifts and creativity to work your planYou may need to look for them and develop them further, but they are already yours.
5. A Higher Source of support and guidance is always available. Much fear and anxiety is based on the fact that you think you are alone and separate. Learning the truth that you are not alone and that a force or power greater than yourself can always be called on is a great blessing. Knowing you can build a relationship with the High Power and have it with you always is very comforting. This relationship can manifest with intuitions, clear insights and directions you need to follow for your higher good.
Check my next Blog for the rest of the list. If you want to know more about mistaken beliefs, click on the Ezinearticles link below.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Communication Magic Continued
Last post was about the three ways that people use to communicate, Visual, Auditory and Kenesthetic, and how some use a mix of these. I explained that if you could identify what words were being spoken you could use that same category of words to ensure you were better understood.
Here are a few more words to listen for and use in each category:
Visual Words - Appear, bare, behold, blind, bug-eyed, clear, dark, dawn, depth, eyesore, facet, focus, gleam, glint, golden, hairy, hazy, illusions, image, insight, looker, mirage, peek, peer, picture, spotlight, see, shine, shadow, tunnel vision, transparent, unsightly, vague, veiled and wink.
Auditory Words - Argue, articulate, blabbermouth, carp, chatter, cry, call, clam-up deaf, echo, earful, emit, fanfare, fiddle, gab, groan, harmonize, hush, joke, hear, listen, language, mutter, murmur, moan, nag, oracle, oratory, prattle, quiet, rattle, speak, scold, sign, sing, story, tone, tune, thunder, vocal, whine, yelp.
Kinesthetic Words - Absorb, abrasive, anxiety, belt, bruise, cold, callous, caress, come to blows, chip, close, depression, dig, dribble, exert, force, flow, fidget, gentle, grab, gather, hug, hurt, heavy, intense, itch, jerk, kick, knock, lick, light, loose, move, nibble, oppressive, pressure, punch, painful, pinch, push, relax, rise, rub, save, sense, shift, soft, support, struggle, seize, squeeze, skate, sting, slap, snuggle, touch, tight, tickle, texture, unwind, vibrate, wince, wrestle, yank..
Remember that even though most people are Kinesthetic even they use others words at times. It is the main type of words a person uses that will be important. It is better to be partly understood than not at all so keep practicing and have some fun. You will begin to notice people paying closer attention when you speak to them. People like people who are like themselves.
Here are a few more words to listen for and use in each category:
Visual Words - Appear, bare, behold, blind, bug-eyed, clear, dark, dawn, depth, eyesore, facet, focus, gleam, glint, golden, hairy, hazy, illusions, image, insight, looker, mirage, peek, peer, picture, spotlight, see, shine, shadow, tunnel vision, transparent, unsightly, vague, veiled and wink.
Auditory Words - Argue, articulate, blabbermouth, carp, chatter, cry, call, clam-up deaf, echo, earful, emit, fanfare, fiddle, gab, groan, harmonize, hush, joke, hear, listen, language, mutter, murmur, moan, nag, oracle, oratory, prattle, quiet, rattle, speak, scold, sign, sing, story, tone, tune, thunder, vocal, whine, yelp.
Kinesthetic Words - Absorb, abrasive, anxiety, belt, bruise, cold, callous, caress, come to blows, chip, close, depression, dig, dribble, exert, force, flow, fidget, gentle, grab, gather, hug, hurt, heavy, intense, itch, jerk, kick, knock, lick, light, loose, move, nibble, oppressive, pressure, punch, painful, pinch, push, relax, rise, rub, save, sense, shift, soft, support, struggle, seize, squeeze, skate, sting, slap, snuggle, touch, tight, tickle, texture, unwind, vibrate, wince, wrestle, yank..
Remember that even though most people are Kinesthetic even they use others words at times. It is the main type of words a person uses that will be important. It is better to be partly understood than not at all so keep practicing and have some fun. You will begin to notice people paying closer attention when you speak to them. People like people who are like themselves.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
How Would You Like To Communicate As If By Magic?
Have you ever been speaking to someone and just knew by the way they were looking at you that they really didn’t get what you were saying? Good communicators know that when this happens they have to adjust the words they are speaking so the listener can better understand them. It is not that the listener is being obtuse, or lazy.
People have an automatic built-in system for choosing the words they use when communicating with themselves and with others. This system reflects the way they meet the world. You may have noticed that some people like to feel and are always touching things to understand their textures or temperature. Others like to look at pictures and play videos games and still others like to hear lectures or tapes for understanding concepts and ideas. This is why there are so many different way out there to learn new things. Videos, CD’s, and books give a choice. Trainers know that some people learn better by watching the work performed and others by actually doing it.
If you want to communicate effectively with those around you and especially your family or partner you need to discover how each person communicates. It is fairly easy to figure out once you understand that the words they use will give them away to anyone who cares to pay attention.
A person would be a Visual if they used words or phrases like the following:
I see what you mean
I will look forward to the meeting
It is always worth noticing
This is a really nice view
A person would be an Auditory if they used words or phrases like the following:
I hear what you are saying
Those notes are melodious
That is very loud and high pitched
A person would be Kinesthetic if they used these words or phrases:
I feel really happy tonight
This towel is so soft and fluffy
I can’t put my finger on it yet
The pressure in my head is getting worse
The boss is making contact with the vendor today
Once you get used to looking, listening or putting your finger on the types of words that other people tend to use you can make the effort to remember. Then it becomes fairly easy to speak to that person using words that they would best relate to.
About 80% of the population are Kinesthetic and most people use all three of these occasionally. But each person has a main type that dominates. See if you can determine your type and remember to catch my next blog post where I will list out many more words in each category to help you out. Have some fun with this.
People have an automatic built-in system for choosing the words they use when communicating with themselves and with others. This system reflects the way they meet the world. You may have noticed that some people like to feel and are always touching things to understand their textures or temperature. Others like to look at pictures and play videos games and still others like to hear lectures or tapes for understanding concepts and ideas. This is why there are so many different way out there to learn new things. Videos, CD’s, and books give a choice. Trainers know that some people learn better by watching the work performed and others by actually doing it.
If you want to communicate effectively with those around you and especially your family or partner you need to discover how each person communicates. It is fairly easy to figure out once you understand that the words they use will give them away to anyone who cares to pay attention.
A person would be a Visual if they used words or phrases like the following:
I see what you mean
I will look forward to the meeting
It is always worth noticing
This is a really nice view
A person would be an Auditory if they used words or phrases like the following:
I hear what you are saying
Those notes are melodious
That is very loud and high pitched
A person would be Kinesthetic if they used these words or phrases:
I feel really happy tonight
This towel is so soft and fluffy
I can’t put my finger on it yet
The pressure in my head is getting worse
The boss is making contact with the vendor today
Once you get used to looking, listening or putting your finger on the types of words that other people tend to use you can make the effort to remember. Then it becomes fairly easy to speak to that person using words that they would best relate to.
About 80% of the population are Kinesthetic and most people use all three of these occasionally. But each person has a main type that dominates. See if you can determine your type and remember to catch my next blog post where I will list out many more words in each category to help you out. Have some fun with this.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Protect Your Love From Depression and Anxiety Now By Removing The Triangles
People are social animals. The proliferation of the social sites, forums and blogs certainly prove that. We would, generally, much rather go out to movies, dinner, or family get togethers on a Friday or Saturday night than sit home. The younger people are the more social they seem to be. Humans are wired like that. We need to find a mate and how would we manage to be so successful if we were seldom around other humans?
People form bonds with their beloved, their children, their close friends and their family of origin. We would hope that these bonds are healthy ones nurtured in love and thoughtfulness but that is not always the case. There are relatively few people among the billions on our planet who are really fully functioning and emotionally healthy. Knowing this, is it any wonder that when we go to family or friends for help and advice it can fall woefully short of being good for us?
Our loved ones want to give us good advice. They want to help us solve our problems. They think they have our best interests at heart. They also would really like to help you leave that guy they think is not good enough for you or that gal that just wants your money. Yes, most people have an agenda. It is probably hidden from them and they would deny it, but it is there anyway. Sometimes they are depressed or anxious themselves. That is not being cynical, but honest. If you spend any time thinking about it you would have to agree.
It is to this problem that I want to speak today. When we are having problems in our relationship, we need to discuss it and work through it with our beloved. When we go to our friends or family for help and advice we are stepping over a boundary. In psychology it is called triangulating. By putting a third person in your relationship you are lowering your depression and anxiety and upping your chance for failure.
I know people who would swear that their relationship is loving, kind and healthy and yet they are constantly talking to their best friend about their problems. I know people who pretend to want to stay married but visit a parent nearly daily to vent about all the ways their spouse continues to disappoint them.
If you want your marriage to grow and be free from anxiety and depression then make sure you don’t participate in this destructive habit. Get professional help. Join a support group. Talk to your spouse. Clear the air and work out your problems. Things either grow or die and you get to choose which way you want your relationships to go.
See my Ezinearticles for more on the subject of Triangulation and other topics: More Articles to View
People form bonds with their beloved, their children, their close friends and their family of origin. We would hope that these bonds are healthy ones nurtured in love and thoughtfulness but that is not always the case. There are relatively few people among the billions on our planet who are really fully functioning and emotionally healthy. Knowing this, is it any wonder that when we go to family or friends for help and advice it can fall woefully short of being good for us?
Our loved ones want to give us good advice. They want to help us solve our problems. They think they have our best interests at heart. They also would really like to help you leave that guy they think is not good enough for you or that gal that just wants your money. Yes, most people have an agenda. It is probably hidden from them and they would deny it, but it is there anyway. Sometimes they are depressed or anxious themselves. That is not being cynical, but honest. If you spend any time thinking about it you would have to agree.
It is to this problem that I want to speak today. When we are having problems in our relationship, we need to discuss it and work through it with our beloved. When we go to our friends or family for help and advice we are stepping over a boundary. In psychology it is called triangulating. By putting a third person in your relationship you are lowering your depression and anxiety and upping your chance for failure.
I know people who would swear that their relationship is loving, kind and healthy and yet they are constantly talking to their best friend about their problems. I know people who pretend to want to stay married but visit a parent nearly daily to vent about all the ways their spouse continues to disappoint them.
If you want your marriage to grow and be free from anxiety and depression then make sure you don’t participate in this destructive habit. Get professional help. Join a support group. Talk to your spouse. Clear the air and work out your problems. Things either grow or die and you get to choose which way you want your relationships to go.
See my Ezinearticles for more on the subject of Triangulation and other topics: More Articles to View
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